Getting over the loss of a child is just something you don’t do. We’ll never “get over” our son going to Heaven before coming here to earth. It’s hard. And everyone around you might get over it more quickly than you and still you’re left with your heart aching, your arms empty. Or your dearest friends don’t get over it and that has it’s own ache. Many couples have faced adoption loss, or the loss of a child. We’re not unique. And I keep telling myself that my reality of having our baby home isn’t true reality. God always meant to have him for reasons I won’t really understand. And I don’t need to. But it’s still hard.
It would have been easier for us to pretend this wasn’t our baby. That this was only the birth mom’s baby and we went just to help her through the toughest day of her life. But that didn’t hold up for long. Especially because everyone treated us like his parents. Even his sweet momma. It is amazing grace that the three of us are grieving together. I had one of my worst days yet this past week. So did she. We both found out later that we had grieved in the exact same way for our baby boy on the exact same day. There is hope somewhere in that.
Now the wait continues. We are not giving up on adoption. Not because we need a son. Not because the next child will replace the loss. No – that doesn’t happen. But because we believe this is what we are supposed to do. We believe in a God who can redeem even the deepest aches. It was already hard before this situation came our way. But God didn’t promise it would be easy. He’s not even promising it now that we are stepping back out into situations that are sad and needy all over again. But He’s good. He is very good.
Having our girls around us is healing. We didn’t think it possible to be more thankful for them than we already were. We ARE. So many layers to this. There’s no greeting card for losing the adopted child you thought you’d have. Life has lots of things like that. But we are hopeful. Sincerely, we are. There is a part of me that would really like to write the next chapter – but I know that wouldn’t go well for any of us. So we leave it in His hands again and wait. And now the wait has more meaning than ever.